Stronger than Yesterday

Back in the beginning of 2021 (which somehow simultaneously feels like a minute ago AND a million years ago), I was sitting with the discomfort of a new year that was coupled with uncertainty about direction and vision. Because that direction and vision normally appeared to me organically, and maybe the whole pandemic thing was messing with me a bit, I described it as “Waiting to Land”.

Within a month or so, I landed on the word “strengthen.”

I found my thoughts and needs forming around the idea of strengthening in three main areas: the hopes of building mental strength (through clarifying and challenging my ideas through blogging and in getting into reading again), strengthening friendships and social ties (because Covid isolation was messing with this extrovert in need of a village), and strengthening my body (not because my doctor and every magazine thinks I need to be a tight size 6, but because whether or not it shows in my jeans size, my heart and anxious brain need movement).

Does it sound ambitious? Destined to fail? Like, just… a lot?

I get it.

As someone with a background in therapy and mental health, it might surprise you to know I have a love-hate relationship with GOALS. Sure, a good treatment plan has a vision, but our culture is obsessed with progress, “before and afters” photos, and extreme makeovers.

And sometimes I spiral into that loving that obsession. Our culture SELLS it, and it’s easy to buy into.

It’s hopeful, it’s a success story, it’s the allure of “a whole NEW ME”!

But I also hate it because it can be an empty promise: We might change things on the outside, but still hate our insides. We might place our value on the wrong thing. We might think the world needs us to change before we’re worthy of love, respect, or basic self-compassion.

And if we can’t manage to change, or meet our goals, we might sink into the idea of our own ineptitude, or consider ourselves a failure.

I’ve seen it before.

I’ve BEEN it before.

Making goals is hard for me (and I suspect maybe for some of you) because of :

1. All or nothing thinking: You want to live your BEST life, and that doesn’t just involve making lunches ahead of time, it also means revamping your fridge, cupboard, and life by embracing “clean eating” … and a clean kitchen… and a neurotically clean house… and teaching the kids cleaning habits… and donating of all their too small clothes… and maybe shouldn’t I be volunteering at the women’s thrift store? And we all know healthy eating isn’t enough if we’re not also in the gym 3 to 4 times a week, right? And if I can’t do all those interconnected things… why even bother to do anything? When you see how interconnected things can be, paring it down into manageable chunks can be so difficult.
2. The slippery slope: is closely related to number one. For me, “getting healthy” slips into fixating on a younger/skinnier version of myself who wants to ignore that I’ve had 4 kids and the reality that being small doesn’t equal being healthy. My mindset can trick me into only seeing the goal of losing weight and being tiny. That distortion of thinking can be so tricky and guide me into habits that are BAD. This slope is a real frustration and can be so discouraging to challenge!
3. Progress isn’t linear: It’s inherently uncomfortable and frustrating because sometimes we blog 4 times in a week, and sometimes we blog one little post a month. Because sometimes we hop on the elliptical machine daily, and sometimes we don’t look in it’s direction for months. Because we might devour a particularly captivating book in 2 days time, but not find the mental stamina to pick up one we’ve “meant to read” for months on end.
4. Making new habits is HARD: Those of you with long-standing healthy habits get my praise and kudos, but so do those of us who struggle with consistent healthy choices that work toward your goals. Some coaches say it takes a few weeks, some say it takes close to a year… but the average I see floating around the internet says it’s a magical 66 days. I remember my brother hearing this from a mentor, and running every day for 66 days in such an effort, only to not run again for months after he completed that magic 66. Making new habits requires discipline and focus, but they also need to work for us and are easier to embrace when we see those magical results of our choices. And sometimes the “results” are not visible to us.
5. We feel isolated in our efforts: I know some people thrive off of going at it alone, with a “me v. the world” mindset, but almost anything is more enjoyable for me with a social aspect or an accountability aspect. And practically speaking, that can be a hard thing to find! Knowing we’re not alone in our efforts or struggles or non-linear growth is a gift and an encouragement.

Feel discouraged yet?

All this to say, learning to chunk our goals into bits … accepting that growth is growth no matter how slow or uneven … accepting how challenging it can be to change … celebrating even our small successes … and finding community can make goals more possible to achieve.

So back to my hopes of bringing “strengthen” to life this year: Where am I? Have I achieved everything I’ve dreamed?

No.

But that’s okay.

Here’s the state of things:

In my “strengthened mind” goal, I set a modest mini-goal of reading 6 books this year. As someone who once devoured that many books in a month or 6 weeks, it doesn’t sound like much. But it’s a beginning place, and as of mid-September, I’ve managed 3 and I’ve enjoyed them! I have a pile of books still on my night stand, and hopes to complete more before year’s end, but I am pleased to have taken the time to complete 3.

I am also pleased to have not abandoned my blog. I am not a consistent writer, but you guys, I’m actually writing again! I’m very proud of some of these posts, and that despite life’s busyness and my own anxieties about putting myself out there, I’m carving out time to move ideas from my brain to the page.

In my “strengthened body” goal, the school year beginning (back in the buildings) has given me a little more flexibility and freedom to hop on our elliptical while I watch PJ Masks with the 2 year old. There were spurts of exercise and joyful movement earlier in the year as well.

I’ve had a mammogram this year, have scheduled some physical therapy for my wonky inner ear, and am planning to do some genetic counseling. I have stepped down dosage on one of my regular meds, and am feeling good, though I’m not medication-adverse. I’ve had my vaccinations and have managed to avoid Covid thus far. I would love to continue seeing my “strengthened body” broadly – as more than a number on a scale or a size tag – and making progress to keep up with my kids and life.

In my “strengthened relationships” goal, I’m still pretty comfortable to rely on my not-close-by friends to fill my bucket over social media. However, I’ve reflected on how I was just starting to feel less like “the new kid in town” when Covid and distancing and quarantining became “the thing.” We moved to this area 4 years ago this summer, and these things take time. Throw in a public health crisis, and the challenges of connecting deeply are totally AMPLIFIED!

I’ve drafted an email and have been visioning what it would look like to be vulnerable and actively try to grow my village. I think that so many people my age know the struggle of developing deep, nourishing adult friendships, especially at home parents who only get quick interactions with other adults at the bus stop or while pushing their kids on the swings. I’ve chatted with a few friends about this, and anticipate making some moves toward seeing what others think about this soon — like a real life, in person “friend request.”

A success I see in this area is our on-going attempts to re-establish our Crappy Dinners. And when we haven’t been able to safely manage those, my friend Julia and I have prioritized carving out time to sit and catch up without kids. Usually it’s over mead at our beloved local venue St. Ambrose, but it’s a time to just be and process life – as little or as much as we need to.

So overall, “strengthen” is a work in progress.

As perhaps, it should be.

There will be no dramatic “befores” or “afters” because much of what I’m learning is to rethink how I conceptualize goals; less “love/hate” and more acceptance of the not-so-neat process of being in progress.

Maybe checking out and confronting these old ideas is actually the real success story, as it allows me to be pleased enough with where I am!