And So It Flows…

Hmm. The Universe apparently knew something when it dropped the notion of “flow” into my life for 2022.

Here we are, 11 days in to the new year, and instead of boarding a plane to go to Florida tonight, we’re a household in quarantine after one of the kids became symptomatic and tested positive for Covid19.

Even though we got him tested knowing he might be positive, I was still shocked when the pediatrician confirmed it. I asked her to repeat herself: “Wait what? He’s positive?”

My brain instantly began looking for ways to reject that possibility.

My scheduling, planning self immediately began trying to figure out a way to still make our long scheduled, and now only-a-few-days-away vacation happen (even though my heart self knows that is something I definitely wouldn’t approve of others doing).

Vacation planning always has a lot of moving parts, but we have played the last 2 years pretty darn conservatively, trying to keep ourselves and others healthy. We mask faithfully, we did a year of school at home, we’ve shrunk our circle, we’ve limited our outings, and we’ve vaccinated. And we decided, when offered a generous invitation from my in-laws to come to see them in Florida (and do Disney for the first time), to go for it.

And then my kids went back to school after Christmas break, one got a fever and fatigue 5 days in, and… we had a positive Covid test.

Shit.

So for me, there was instant worrying. We’ve taken this pandemic seriously.

In this household – all of us who can vaccinate, have. CDC data shows that people who are vaccinated do much better navigating Covid then those who don’t get vaccinated.

But we have a 3yo who isn’t able to get a vaccine yet, and who is horrible at wearing a mask. What if we couldn’t keep him from getting sick? And what if it was… bad?

There were worries that it would spread through the family, and that some of us could experience really uncomfortable or severe symptoms. I’ve read so many stories, and known so many people, who have suffered through terrible effects from Covid.

And there was this huge disappointment. The countdown to the much needed family time and the new once-in-a-lifetime Disney experience was just… off the table. Even if we didn’t all get sick, how would we know until the sickness had run it’s course? How could we, in good conscience, travel?

We couldn’t.

My thinking self had this idea that I needed to put on a brave face for the kids, and while there was a bit of that with some reframing later on (once a therapist, always a therapist), I knew I just needed to feel.

I needed to mourn and lament and worry and just feel the YUCK of what was unfolding.

I didn’t stop myself from shedding the tears that filled my eyes.

I hugged my kids, my husband. We wiped our tears. We held hands. We talked about our disappointment and anger and fear. We took deep breaths.

I explained we didn’t know what now held, but we’d figure it out eventually. In the meantime, we needed to do the hard, not fun thing of quarantining and waiting things out.

We’ve seen symptoms like fever, fatigue, and nasal congestion move through the house, and with over the counter meds and rest, things have been OK thus far.

Today, as I talked to a Health Department nurse about our family and exposure, she asked if I had any symptoms.

My throat had been a little scratchy that morning, so I told her that.

This afternoon, I felt a little off. My temperature crept up to 99. There was a slight tightness in my chest. I was sniffling a bit, and it wasn’t about Disney or the fact that we’d be at the airport if all was well.

My thinking mind reminded me of what the nurse had reiterated earlier. Vaccinated people can still get sick, but it is generally a mild to moderate cold and little more.

So I knew that.

But my body was feeling strange sensations. My anxious self was pleased to interpret this, and suggested: what if this just all snowballs? Avalanches? What if I dip into this and get so sick and can’t care for my kids and end up hospitalized or a long hauler or … or…

That was not a flow I needed to slip into.

I thumbed through a Yoga app I downloaded at the beginning of this new year. It had been a day or two since I’d done any yoga, but I popped over to a meditation from their library and I scrolled through the list.

Waiting for me? Ideally enough, a 13 minute meditation called “Go with the Flow.”

I could see I had the potential to spiral a bit, so I used the time to consciously practice relaxing my body and my mind, and in the end, took several things from it.

Though it didn’t expressly suggest this, the meditation reminded me that when we’re anxious, we’re focused on ourselves as the main character in a troubling story. This came about from practicing zooming out from focusing on myself, and practicing “choiceless awareness.”

The noises in my house… the sensations in my body… the thoughts in my head..

… could all be viewed from above as part of a whole. I didn’t need to resist them, or expunge them. But I also didn’t have to buy into them. They weren’t all connected to a story where everything whips around me, the protagonist, in a catastrophic way.

All these things simply are.

The meditation introduced the concept that world is “VUCA” – volatile, uncertain, complex, and ambiguous. We can’t always make sense of why things happen to us or what the best solution is in a hard situation.

Our brains crave that order, and answers because it feels like safety and protection.

This worldview seems especially apt in these crazy pandemic times, where we have to keep learning and unlearning, adjusting and readjusting, and trying to make sense of things.

I emerged from the short meditation aware my bodily sensations of Covid19 symptomology are part of the picture, but they are not the whole picture.

I still don’t have all the answers, but I feel calmer and reassured that practicing zooming out will allow me a way of looking at these hard times with more objectivity.

And I’ll probably return to that guided meditation again!

Anyway, if you’re the praying sort or a believer in good energy, could I ask you to lift up my family as we go through this? Of course, we’re annoyed and disappointed that we followed the rules and still got sick, that this happened right at the 11th hour before our trip. We’re worried about our little unvaccinated guy who can’t always verbally tell us what’s wrong or how he feels.

But we’re also reassured our vaccines will help illness to be less severe and lengthy. And we’re looking forward to more certain, brighter times ahead.

And eventually, when we are all well, that will include Florida, and family, and Disney.