The Discomfort Zone

My last post, in November of (crazy as can be) 2023, alluded to changes and shifts outside of my cancer diagnosis, surgery, and treatment.

And oh mama… the changes have been many.

In fact, that’s been a huge part of why there have been no posts since then! When you’re in survival mode – at least in my world – things like writing and reflecting don’t always get to happen.

But this post isn’t about ALL the changes. That would take a reading room in a library. And like… honestly? No. My tired brain isn’t ready to make order of every single thing and blog it. And maybe that is more than okay.

A big part of what I’m learning these days is to eat that elephant, you just have bite off one chunk at a time.

Life doesn’t always want to streamline issues and challenges and VIP attention items to one thing at a time, but to get anything done in a time of chaos… that’s pretty much what you have to do.

One. Bite. At. A. Time.

Chew, swallow..

Smile, cross it off your list, collapse.

Repeat.

So today’s focus?

Finding myself taking one bite at a time of my chemotherapy regimen.

As of this writing, I have completed 5 of my 6 (heavy duty, three-drug cocktail, gnarly) infusions. After the 6th, I will be on one drug, which is known to be NOT heavy duty, NOT gnarly, and – after what I’ve dealt with thus far – comparatively, a walk in the park.

I’m not your toxic positivity lady, but as a Michigan spring looms and warmer temps begin to show up more consistently, brighter days are also coming for the chemotherapy regimen.

But yes, this is a large part of what I’ve been doing since early December.

For my first three sessions or so, I tolerated things pretty well. It didn’t bother me at the time of infusion, but I’d be tired for a few days, and jittery. Kind of foggy. My steroids got adjusted for the jitters and that helped.

But then I’d swing back into myself. My energy would come back and I’d be good to go for several weeks until my next treatment, 21 days later.

These days, the post-treatment symptoms are more severe.

The fog is longer, the fatigue is deeper.

For better or worse, I am learning much, first hand, about empathy for people who deal with chronic pain and fatigue. I hate enduring it, but at the same time, it is a very important thing to understand compassionately.

It’s harder to taste, to eat. It’s harder to actually be able to sleep without waking up in a panic when I’m tired. I’m reminded by wise friends who have walked this path before me that the effects become cumulative over time, the drugs take a heavier toll, and that recovery takes longer.

But I’m also dealing with a tricky thing.

A few weeks ago, I had my routine pre-chemo labs done and got a call from the doctor reviewing them that I needed to head into the ER! My potassium levels and magnesium levels were LOW and I was in legitimate danger.

It was surprising for a few reasons.

Firstly, because I actually felt somewhat decent that day! (But, in retrospect, it also explained some prior days when I had been having strange symptoms.) Secondly – and you could blog about this your whole life long too – for me, it just drove home the mystery of what is EVEN going ON in our bodies without us knowing! Baffling. (And if I dwell too much on it, THIS is exactly why my health-related anxiety feels so cozy and at home in my brain.)

The doctor explained to me that things like this often sneak up on people because they are dealing with nausea and diarrhea, and don’t realize how much fluid they’re actually losing and that it can throw off their electrolytes quickly and dramatically.

And indeed it had!

Anyway, it was a new-to-me process, showing up at the ER and telling them what to do, but all things said, the experience was surprisingly efficient and well-managed, and I was given an IV bag of potassium and an one of magnesium. And I think just some fluids in general.

I was VERY thankful I’d gotten lab results notifying me of this, instead of finding myself in the throes of a medical emergency.

A few days later, post-chemo infusion, I had my labs done again. Potassium was better, but magnesium was still not within parameters. They offered to do another infusion of magnesium for me, or write a script so I could take it at home.

I chose the latter, but then the dosage couldn’t be tracked down by the pharmacy. And I slipped into the fatigue, and the fog. I was trying to consume magnesium and potassium rich foods, but when your appetite and taste buds are in the toilet, you’re not eating a ton anyway. It was taking a toll, and I felt like… poop.

Once I got my hands on a supplement a few days later, I felt triumphant! Surely this would be more effective than my handfuls of cashews and bowls full of broccoli. And I began taking it.

But the new conundrum swiftly revealed itself.

Magnesium supplements, I was reminded, “loosen things up” (as your Grandma might say). So though I hadn’t been dealing with as much “digestive discomfort” during this chemo cycle (YES, as *I* might like to say, because OK, fine! I simply HATE the word diarrhea), the very minerals my body NEEDS and that I’m trying to supplement, are also going to make me… lose more fluids.

But I need fluids, right? So I start incorporating America’s favorite “thirst quencher” into my hydration goals.

And my husband, smarty that he is, reminded me not to forget the potassium. Oh yes, that had been the initial (most critical at the time) trouble.

But he pointed out that bananas are part of the BRAT (bananas-rice-apple sauce-toast) diet. You remember that, right? I did too, but mostly as a 4th grader stuck at home, on an itchy plaid couch with a plastic bin, with a nasty stomach bug! Bananas aren’t totally agreeing with me these days, but in the name of trying to stay hydrated and within electrolyte parameters, I take to making a daily banana/almond milk/protein powder smoothie.

BUT can bananas keep both give me potassium I need AND call a cease-fire on the magnesium, um… departure?

Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news. Perhaps they can tackle the first point, but for all their loveliness and redeeming qualities, bananas are not THAT magically powerful.

How’s that for feeling like poop?

I take my doctor-recommended OTC anti-diarrhea meds, but find out they are TOO effective. Unless I take half one of one pill (yes, 1/4 the suggested dose), I will be *uncomfortably* poo-free for days and days. This has taken trial and error to figure out.

Could I swing into that happy medium, please? A comfort zone, perhaps? Where supplements are tolerated, digestive systems aren’t reigning unholy terror, and lab results look relatively nice and normal?

That would be too easy, though, right?

So these days, the Discomfort Zone involves 1) trying to keep track of what is going on inside me via labs, 2) trying to balance nutrition while remembering “fed is best!” on days where eating is not an easy task, and 3) playing this endless cycle of how to supplement myself but not dehydrate myself but also not constipate myself.

If you want specifics to pray for with me, now you’ve got ’em! 😆

It isn’t fun in the moment, but as I write this, I’m laughing at the absurdity!

I hope this made you smile and not feel too sorry for me, but I also hope if I see you soon, we won’t talk in person about it, because … you may have guessed it…

I’m pooped. 💩