Sitting in the Suck

I find myself, tonight, in a MOOD.

It’s actually been here for much of the day too, truthfully.

It’s been a hella rainy, everyone at home, too much misdirected energy kind of day.

And this low… aggravated… frustrated… impatient mood is just here to visit.

And I find myself trying, trying TRYING to resist it.

Not through pep-talks in the mirror, or faking it until I make it, or turning my frown upside down. No, I’m not doing any 180s.

I’m just stewing.

…Being annoyed with myself for feeling annoyed?

…Feeling impatient with myself for not solving or moving through this faster?

Yeah. It’s silly. And as I type it, I hear how silly it is.

And oh the urge to solve it… peg it on something… explain it away… when I know what I really need to do is sit with it, feel it, accept it, and maybe even embrace it.

Isn’t that just the way? We want to punch the easy button and move on.

We impulse shop.

We make a strong drink.

We add an extra scoop of ice cream.

We look for ways to cover… numb… avoid the discomfort.

And in my case, the weird extra layer of guilt I add on for finding myself in this MOOD.

(Like the mood, the state-of-being isn’t unpleasant enough? Just add guilt!)

Tonight I remind myself: I’m allowed to have moods that suck. I’m allowed to feel off. I’m allowed not to solve it. I’m allowed to hide in my room more than usual. I’m allowed to be uncomfortable. I’m allowed to have that extra dessert or drink … but I’m also allowed to acknowledge that some days are just hard and that for now, I’m sitting in the suck.

And that I probably need to get to bed, catch some z’s, and see what tomorrow brings.