Carrying what’s heavy

I’ve been away for a little over a month, and have been itching to get back into a writing routine. My absence has been for good reasons, mostly – loved ones visiting us, busy days with the kids, and even getting away for a few days here and there.

As the school year looms (yeah, we start late up here – the day after Labor Day), there’s a lot weighing on my mind and heart.

It’s not unusual stuff, but it is heavy and I’m trying consciously, not to add to the burden by thinking there’s something wrong with me for feeling less than my best.

It’s me, struggling to prioritize my needs in a noisy busy house.

It’s the loud and nasty vitriol – both online and in person – of the anti-mask v. mask debate in schools. It’s about people quoting sensationalist sound bytes and never considering listening to each other.

It’s loved ones getting Covid despite them doing whatever they can to be safe, and praying my kids can re-adjust to in-person school and manage to stay healthy in small, crowded classrooms. It’s praying vaccinations for kids can happen soon.

It’s the stunning audacity of national issues and lawmakers, encouraging mob justice and denial of women’s rights and health care. It’s the Supreme Court not upholding previous decisions.

It’s unprecedented storms, it’s earthquakes, it’s crisises, and so many people in need.

It’s the unrest of international issues, endless wars, and no solution being the right solution. Unless we could go back in time, which we can’t.

Like I said, none of these things are very special in themselves – in fact, I venture many people are thinking about these things – but all together it feels like a lot of noise in my head.

But… there’s this one other thing too.

I’ve come to realize, that in myself, I truly value that I normally like people.

Like, I might not agree with them, but I can point to some goodness and appreciate them. They might annoy me, but that’s not the full scope of who they are. And in that global sense, I can find appreciation and compassion for them.

Lest I sound like I’m making myself out to be a saint, I’m not.

I can certainly be snarky, frustrated, overwhelmed.

I might indulge in watching some biting stand-up comedy, venting to my husband, an have an overt emotional release. (Yes, that means crying.)

But then I generally shake it off, and can get back to a level place, where I realign to my value of liking and loving and understanding people, in all their complicated and contradictory glory.

For the last few days, I haven’t been able to.

I was wading through a community facebook page, and struck by how disappointed I was. By the overt meanness, the bullying, the immaturity, gaslighting, and shit-stirring.

I was struck by how little I liked anything about these people.

I was struck by feeling dismissive, finished. “F*** em all.”

I was struck by a plaintive wish that I actually liked more people in my community, but the realization in that moment that I didn’t? That I couldn’t?!

Whooooo…. that does not feel good.

That feels counter to who I am, who I want to be, to what I believe.

Like I said, I’m not trying to come off as some shiny, do-good saint.

But how shitty can it feel to see such a blaring and stark disconnect in what you value, in who you hope to be? Not only for yourself, but as an example to your kids?

I feel broken.

Ugh. Am I loading it on myself hard enough?

Maybe it sounds silly to you, reader. Maybe you’re OK with just fundamentally disliking people, or writing them off, or even, dare I say… hating them.

I don’t want you to feel judged by my judgement of myself.

Your values are yours, as are mine to me. To each their own.

Hell, maybe you need to teach me your ways. 😉

As it was, my heart felt hard. It was heavy as I went to bed and I prayed God would help me love – and even like – people.

I’ve continued to feel this way.

That disappointed me. I was hoping to just … bypass it? Escape it? Banish it? Be done with it?

I’ll likely continue to visit this in my prayers. But maybe I need to just… be with this realization. This discomfort. Be curious about it, and not judge my realization too hard too quickly. And maybe recognize this pandemic, these times of unrest and struggle and division and the lot… are, indeed, affecting me.

No one is immune to being affected by life. Yours truly included. It just emerges in different ways for different people.

Sometimes we have to stop and recognize that things pile up… take their toll… yes, affect us. We reach maximum capacity. Maybe that’s where I am now.

This little realization brought to you… by me… by my confused and crippled sense of values and personal resolve.

Be kind and take time for yourself, friends.